Foodie Asshole

Because a Whole Foods employee told me this 2 ounce bag of vegan, raw, gluten free Zesty Nacho Organic Paleo-Friendly Kale Chips was "only" $4.99, I took it to the counter:


It rang up as $7.99, which annoyed me, but I gave in and bought the damn thing.  That's $4 per ounce.  Christ.  This is what I pay to have a paleo diet-approved chip.

organic kale, organic cashew, organic red bell pepper, organic zucchini, organic carrot, organic onion, organic yeast powder, organic garlic, organic apple cider vinegar, organic lemon juice concentrate, organic spices, sea salt.

They were pretty tasty, though the coating tasted, at best, like a cousin (or maybe a second cousin once removed) of cheese.  But who fucking cares?  All I was after was something low-cal and at least kind of tasty to crunch on mindlessly while watching Mad Men on Netflix Instant. It sort of served its purpose (the calorie count isn't really that great at 320 for the bag with 10g of saturated fat), but I'll never pay this much again for kale chips even if my attempts to make them at home have been a little pathetic.

There is this hazard to be aware of too:

My shirt, after eating these things.

But maybe you're not as much of a slob as I am.

I had a bunch of crumbs left over in the bottom of the bag too, and while it was enormously tempting to just tilt back my head and funnel them all into my mouth like a wild beast would if it encountered modern day packaged foods, I resealed the thing and saved it, figuring I'd use the stuff as seasoning for something I cooked later in the week.  I think I put them to awesome use in this Paleo "Fried" Chicken recipe.

First of all, these are $3.99 for 2 oz, half the price of the Rhythm brand from Whole Foods, though it's not organic.

The whole thing is 300 calories, with 18 grams of fat (only 2g saturated), 18% sodium, 6 grams fiber out of 22gg of total carbs, 12 grams of protein, some vitamin c, calcium and iron, and a ton of vitamin a. It's got 20 fewer calories and 8g less saturated fat than Rhythm.

Unfortunately it's like a pile of twigs covered in fake cheese-ish bull shit. It's also messy and hard to swallow.